My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
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Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.