No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
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[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Buck naked
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
How times have changed.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.