I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
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Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off