NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
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The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
nobody’s gonna understand
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”