Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
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Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’