When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
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Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.