I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
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My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.