Schrödinger’s cookie
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Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
The photographer’s assistant
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.