Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
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What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I believe the plural is “milves.”
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep