This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
You Might Also Like
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.