why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
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Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
the red hot silly peppers
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that