[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
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17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Spider-cat: No One Home
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.