The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
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When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜