[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
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I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.