My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
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i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Still a very good boi….
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.