How can I say no to this ?
You Might Also Like
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH鈥橲 MANAGER
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
If you like pi帽a coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…馃憞
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what鈥檚 your wi-fi password?
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I鈥檓 ignoring my husband, too.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Please don鈥檛 ride with me if you鈥檙e gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You鈥檒l make me nervous.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
ME: I don鈥檛 want to die, but I鈥檓 not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?