You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
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Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.