I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
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Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents