If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
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[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Care for your back
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples