It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
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I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Me driving through Toronto
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.