She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
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6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Comparing yourself to others
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.