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‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it