“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
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My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
get you a girl who
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.