I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
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CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
TODAY
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.