[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
You Might Also Like
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”