If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
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They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
handsome & gretel
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.