My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
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This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
pictures of spider-man
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.