Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
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angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.