According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
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My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?