I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
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nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.