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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
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If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
lmao
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto