“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
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5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Steam Forums
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.