Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
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People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
men are simple creatures
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.