Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
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*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead