Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
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I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning