My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
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Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?