All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
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Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
All generalizations are stupid.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.