Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
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You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Very good news from my accountant
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water