[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
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The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
‘I know a black person’
– White people