Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
You Might Also Like
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar