I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
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[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
won’t smith
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.