Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
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boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that