Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
You Might Also Like
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Anyone really
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.