4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
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Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
They also CAN sing✌️
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.