why I oughta
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584.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
checking out some reviews of my local library
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”