My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
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hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’