God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
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I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
waiting for halloween be like:
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].