How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
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TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I’m not proud
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.