I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
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kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt