Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
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My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose